Twin Cup

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It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my
upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!

“I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee.

“I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"

Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike.

 

I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the man in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot?"

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One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

 

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Question:
As I get older my eye sight is not that good.

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Can you tell me, is that a Graphite Shaft?

 

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
''When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

 

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A married couple played golf together every day.
One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course...........
He was on the yellow tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies red tee. He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly. She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a Titleist No. 2 golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said "yes that was my ball"
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a Topflite No1 ball inserted up the womans backside, and could the husband throw some light on this ?
The husband said
"Oh that’s my provisional, I wondered it went!"
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Dear Deirdre, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Confused Husband

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I have written a book and am quite proud of the results.
In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read for all golfers.
  
This book gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my golfing experiences. 

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

 

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough, when You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

 

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
 
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
 
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am
 
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
 
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
 
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
 
Chapter 9)  When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
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And finally.. Did you know?

 

Why do golf courses have 18 holes?

 

During a discussion among the club’s membership board at St Andrews in 1858 a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out!

And if you believe that you'll believe anything.. Here's the real answer.. Click on the Cup

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